All the roads so far lead to--- HERE
by Prolixius5
Summary: "The Road so Far" since the very beginning. Purely made of Drabbles. POV of various characters. Seasons 1 thru 5. Thanks so much for stopping by. Please R&R, I'll be forever grateful, reviews are treasured. COMPLETE.
1. S1x01: Pilot

_**Hi Everyone,**_

 _ **I embark on a new journey... This one is a bit special. While I'm currently working on my next multi-chapter long SPN story, I decided to post a series of drabbles, exclusively 100-word chapters (although for some special episodes, the limit will sometimes be set to 200 words).**_  
 _ **I hope you'll join me on this journey. This was a modest attempt to survive the long hiatus. I'll try to post one chapter a day, sometimes more, depending on my Muse good will. The chapters will strictly follow the episodes sequence.**_

 _ **And remember, reviews are and remain like divine delicacies to me and I surely will need some to last on the long run.**_  
 _ **I wish you all a lovely time.**_  
 _ **Thanks for stopping by.**_  
 _ **Enjoy your reading ^_^**_

 _ **Love,**_  
 _ **Lyxie**_

 _ **PS: no beta on these. So pls excuse any mistake/error that may have slipped through.**_

* * *

No chick-flick moments, ever. I've endured so much. I wish your precious freedom had been spared, I wish I hadn't come today, I wish we hadn't been raised as warriors, I wish life'd been a lot different.

But then again I know this is what I was meant to be. Memories will keep us warm. You're savvy, I'm bold. We'll make a great team, even if that's not what you planned. Forgive me, Sammy. I just can't imagine going on the hunt without you. Call me jerk all you want.

I wish I could pick another music for our lives.


	2. S1X02: Wendigo

How long will they go on saving people, hunting things? Hunt fever flows in the veins of one; vengeance consumes the soul of the other. Family business foundations are so fragile; but they will always be there for one another. The older one stands guard while the younger one is fighting nightmares. The next day finds them ready to chase the next monster. Who would ultimately sacrifice himself? How far will that bumpy road lead them? They need to learn as they progress. Catching up all those years they were apart.

But in the end, who's actually driving the other?


	3. S1x03: Dead in the Water

_Watching one of your parent die isn't something you just get over_.

Somehow Sam is aware that Dean's words aren't for Lukas only. He now sees Dean as the little boy who never was, because he had to grow up too fast. He sees all the attention he was denied, while he tries to give it to Lukas. He observes the reassuring bond Dean is clumsily trying to establish with the boy. As though he meant it for Sam. Trying to compensate for all those years they've lost, for the cursed legacy their father left behind.

Unspoken words.

Hidden emotions.


	4. S1x04: Phantom Traveler

S1X04

This time, he has no other choice than to admit he's scared to death. He has fought all kinds of terrifying beings. Yet, _this_ is what frightens him the most! This is what could kill him more efficiently than a nasty creature's bite. This is what he never admitted in the first place, because his little brother is – paradoxically – looking up to him. So the touchy-feely self-help yoga crap is not helping. Although the younger one shows more authority than ever.

Yet, they meet up to cherish the echo a beloved voice. In that precious moment, family means so much.


	5. S1x05: Bloody Mary

Another night, another nightmare.

He's worried. So he's watching over Sam, wishing he could chase the guilt away, hoping the advice given to Charlie could serve them too, refusing to let a damn secret be the third wheel.

The mirror is not only reflecting the horror they're chasing. He had a glimpse of what hasn't been said… yet. But Sam won't let him in.

" _I'd die for you_ ".

Dean won't push any further and withdraws in a painful silence. He's done that so many times, hiding behind his precious armor… How far is he ready to be left outside, again?


	6. S1x06: Skin

He wished he could take back the words uttered by the "other". He wished he hadn't to look in his brother's eyes and see that maybe a tiny truth is hiding in there about what's been spit. He wished he could erase what's howling through his mind right now. Feeling guilty already.

They both know that riding down that road could kill them. Not physically of course. Still…

They both silently agreed that they're stuck with each other for the good cause. Hunting creatures. Caring for each other. Trying to give the concept of Family one last chance to survive.


	7. S1x07: Hook Man

Obviously, I know how it feels to lose someone and saying the words to Lori was aiming at us more than I could say. I missed many opportunities, bright studies perhaps, a regular career. Even if I mock you a little, higher education never was for you. You ain't no geek. The only book you'll cherish is Dad's journal, I guess. Painstaking investigation will always be my responsibility. You're a field soldier. Ready to move on every new battlefield fate will lead us to.

So don't you try to pretend you could leave me behind, to live a boring existence.


	8. S1x08: Bugs

Dad was all over your case for your own good. I was a soldier at the mercy of a tough drill sergeant. All the same, he made us strong to face what we have to face. I'm not sure I was his favorite. And why am I thinking about him in the past? Why do I feel it's now my responsibility to care for you, to watch over you, to protect you, no matter what? Why do I have the hunch that when you too meet again, I'm gonna be standing between two veterans of bruised love and precarious life.


	9. S1x09: Home

Maybe I don't want the responsibility, after all! May be I just want Dad back to take his place again. I feel so feckless right now, cause Sammy is turning into someone I'm not sure I can handle. Seeing Mom fighting that thing away from our home was precious. Why won't Dad do just as good for us? Sam's shedding tears of pain and sorrow; I'm holding back tears of despair. 'Cause I refuse to lose him as we lost our parents. Too soon for John? OK, so why the hide-out, instead of fighting by our sides? What the hell?


	10. S1x10: Asylum

Have we reached the breaking point?

 _Do you hate me that much?_

Dad gave you a .45 to kill monsters. I gave you the gun to kill me. What's the difference? Both our youths were stolen from us. We're always good at faking. Are you now? Guess I've messed with you one too many times. You sound like a teenager in the middle of a crisis. I never was. I jumped from childhood innocence into combat suit. I'm not pathetic. I'm desperate. But I trust you, somewhere inside. Against the whole world. Against our absent father. Against my own life.


	11. S1x11 Scarecrow

Winchester soldiers again! As I was meant to be.

I long for Dad's recognition. I'm proud of Sammy's motivation. But I can't go down that road. I wear the mark in my blood, forever. Sacrificial lamb. Although I felt like a wolf. If he leaves me, the hunt is all what I have left. He's gotta follow his own path. I wish I'd never gone back and denied him the right to chose. He proved me wrong. And today I may die alone. Today my heart wishes him well. He'll be the good son. I'll just be the obedient one.


	12. S1x12: Faith

How could I admit this was the End of the Road for him? Don't say the word "cremation". Not for him! _I'm not gonna let him die, period_. He may not be a believer, but how about a little miracle? He followed me here, although reluctantly… I saved his life… and perhaps his soul. Even if it meant death sentence for the righteous one. Was I being selfish? I know he'd never want to leave me… and I can't openly admit that I feel the same…

Later on, I saw him pray in silence for Layla once.

Miracles do exist.


	13. S1x13: Route 666

Crossroads aren't always nasty.

Dispute. Memories. Then Life winks.

It won't last.

Crossroads may sometimes hold the key to salvation.

Anger. Rush. Then nothing but emptiness.

It's meant to pass.

He could stay in her life: she could take him in, in her heart.

They could get a life... In another lifetime.

Not today. Not that kind of future. Not the one he's destined to.

He resolves to cherish only good memories, before ruining them in routine.

Sam won't interfere.

Dean's being sincere.

His future lies ahead. So he lies, again. To himself. To his brother.

Another crossroad awaits them.


	14. S1x14: Nightmare

One more normal-everyday-naked-in-the-class nightmare? It should freak me out. It surely does. But I won't show. Not until you decide to open up. To hell with the idea our family has been cursed since … when? I need you to trust me. But I feel something is holding you back. What is it, dude? Fear of the truth? Fear of hurting me in the process? You just saved my life on this one. So I don't give a shit about your new powers, as long as you let me help you understand their extent and how you can harness them.


	15. S1x15: The Benders

There are times when he wishes they had a regular life. But the sensation vanishes almost immediately. Then he feels the hunter's blood rushing through his veins. He'd miss the adrenalin. And even the fun of it, sometimes. Not today, as he faces a little girl who's ready to tear him to shreds. Not today, as the sound of a gun may have annihilated his only reason to live. Not today as he may have drawn Kathleen into this mess.

They always found a logic in the behavior of the creatures they hunt.

Where is the logic in this madness?


	16. S1x16: Shadow

Our family ties have always been the non-ordinary kind.

Blood is just one constant. Blood we share, blood we draw.

Tears are tinged with tacit meaning: loss, dispute, fear, reunion.

Time is the only bloody bitch that we can't manage to finish off. Because it turns us into submissive toys.

So we hang on to the only precious buoy we have left: family. Even if we are three stubborn idiots, it's the only place in the universe where we feel safe. The only place that'll be worth saving.

Hunting…

Saving…

The last word of our motto is forever the best.


	17. S1x17: Hell House

He sleeps, peacefully. He looks like a child, his lips slightly parted as if to breathe in an innocent wish… or breathe out a morbid memory.

The other one, the gentle wicked one, starts the game.

And they will play on, each at a time, eluding all the horror lurking in the dark, refusing that demonic forces bite into their souls, denying the idea they may have created what they hunt.

One prank after another. As if they were teenagers again. As if they had lived together forever. As if the word "brotherhood" had been carved in stone for them.


	18. S1x18: Something Wicked

How many times will I be granted a second chance?

I screwed up once. Badly. I almost lost Sammy. Dad made me pay for this. Not by punishment or moral speech. He just looked at me in a different way. Even worse. As if I couldn't be trusted anymore. That was the true backlash!

How comes Fate puts us on that path again? Does it mean I deserve to proof myself for good?

We won… again.

But I can see innocence has been long gone from Sammy's eyes.

I wonder: did I ever experience innocence at all?

Why should I?


	19. S1x19: Provenance

I can't go down that path! Too soon. Too risky… Uncalled-for, somehow.  
And yet… I can see she means well. I can feel she's one I like. One I could love.

Even one who'd meet Dean's approval.

And yet, I can't let myself drown into this. She's suffered already. She tries to teach me what I already know: shutting down the pain means shutting you down everything else.

Maybe one day, when my nights aren't filled with flames and horrors anymore, I will allow myself to walk down that memory road and up to a so-called happy life.

Just maybe…


	20. S1x20: Dead Man's Blood

That's why he left in the first place! Because they were too damn stubborn to admit the other one might be right. Or was it the other way round?

And in the middle, counting the wounds inflicted to the ones he loves the most, stands the brave little soldier of ultimate battles, the one who sacrificed his youth, his innocence, his last hope of building a family of his own… Because these two were larger than life itself. Because he'll stand forever by their sides, no matter what.

Because it finally got to their heads that Family makes them stronger.


	21. S1x21: Salvation (Slavation!)

How would you know what we really want? A career for Sam? A home for me? Our Mom alive?

I'd pick up the last wish without hesitation. To hell with the rest if it means you play bait and leave us dealing alone with what's coming.

You've been playing ghost with us long enough and now that we're together again, I ain't gonna let you ruin all our hopes of nailing the bastard you've been chasing for so long.

I don't care if it means seeing you two fight again. Nobody said the ideal family ever existed. Better this than…


	22. S1x22: Devil's Trap

How am I supposed to cope with this? He's tortured my brother almost to death. He's torn my father apart from the inside. And I've been spit in the face that I'm the one obsessed? Yeah, maybe. But I won't allow logic to dictate what I must do to save them both. I can't kill one to save the other. I won't resolve to make that choice, ever! I won't see supplication again in Dean's eyes. I'll stand firm and grow unwavering. I'll come to terms with it all and drive to the end of our tunnel.

Dark…

Moon…

Rising…


	23. S2x01: In My Time of Dying

Bright…

Light…

Dying.

I thought it'd be peaceful on the other side. But all I can think of is how can I protect you from all evil bitches out there if you don't have me? How are you gonna cope with Dad? How are you gonna get rid of the guilt that's killing me?

I can feel you're not ready to let me go. I can feel something terrible is brewing to make me come back.

I stare into the eyes of death and for the first time I'm ready... Sort of.

Hang on, Sammy. I trust you. This is…


	24. S2x02: Everybody loves a Clown

I'm hitting _her_ with all the utmost fury tearing me apart inside. All the flames of Hell are nothing but a soft summer breeze compared to what I'm feeling in my soul.

I've been carrying too much… too soon.

For Sam and Dad, it's too little… too soon.

Dammit! How could he do this to me? I've played the loyal son up until the end and now I've got to live with _this_?

I hate Dad for leaving us all alone!

I hate Sam for playing the moralizer with me!

I hate myself for feeling so screwed up… and helpless!


	25. S2x03: Bloodlust

I swear to… whatever, I swear I've enjoyed every second of it… The fullness of that thrilling sensation in my body growing, overwhelming like a deadly tsunami. Now I want more. I'm like those monsters in a way: once they've taken a bite, they crave for more. Now that I've sliced one of them, feeling nothing but pure extasy, I understand I may have turned into a cold-blooded killer.

Sam and his sacrosanct humanity won't stand in my way for long. I now have this urge to kill…

Then something in my brother's eyes becomes my beacon of hope.


	26. S2x04 Children Shouldn't Play with Dead

I know he means well. I know he's fragile sometimes… but stronger them me in a way. We're both hurting like hell.

I can read the unspoken messages he's sending as he looks at me. I know he's in pain. Somehow, I'm certain's he's afraid to lose me too to this insanity growing in me.

I'm on edge. And I can't help it. So I'm gonna do what I can do best. Hunt as many damn monsters as I can. That's what I was taught to do.

What's dead should stay dead!

So why the Hell am I alive today?


	27. S2x05: Simon Said

When pushed by circumstances, everyone can become a killer.

What about us? Are we different in any way? My brother is trying not to give in to that creed of the perfect slaughterer.

I've seen him fighting for weeks, trying to hide hard feelings towards fate, towards Dad, or even me, for all that matters. Sometimes he succeeds. Sometimes not.

Should I tell him I envy him: at least he's in control of what happens to him.

Maybe I'm turning into some kind of freak. But I'd give anything to see Dean get better and overcome what he's going through!


	28. S2x06: No Exit

Are we cursed? Is there a grand scheme written in advance for our families by some wicked one? We were that close to going through the same tragegy again, one generation apart. But she's a tough little warrior, acting with bravery, if not a bit of impetuousness and bravado, trying to measure up to the absent one. Somehow, I can see myself in her, a few years back, growing in the shadow of the one who was hardly there for me. Or so little. Or in the most unusual way. I want to protect her. Does that mean I am ...?


	29. S2x07: The Usual Suspects

This can't be happening!

I've been a hunter forever, fought monsters, won many battles, lost precious ones. I set myself up as the protector of Sammy. I gave up on a regular life, because of the job. Blowing nasty creatures is just one side of it. So dying here and now is not an option! I can't leave Sam without protection, not now, as he's so fragile.

I sure don't wanna become a guardian angel from up there. I'd rather crawl back even from hell for him.

He doesn't need to see me like this, powerless, shot by a coward.


	30. S2x08: Crossroad Blues

_Like father like son!_

Words cut through his soul like a burning blade. Somehow he's always known, down deep inside, that he owes his life to the ultimate sacrifice. Should he blame John for what he's done? Would his father have been a better protector for Sam? Would they finally find a common ground?

The younger one keeps going, for sure. His brother, bodyguard and guardian angel shivers as he can't answer a straight question. Would he do the same one day? Would he make the ultimate sacrifice for his brother? Or to bring back their father?

Silence weighs heavy.


	31. S2x09: Croatoan

He has to pull the trigger and move on. There's no way he'll stand by me, seeing me become that monster. He's been through enough. He's the best hunter around and wasting his life for me is one stupid sacrifice I'm not ready to accept. My head is filled with bloody ferment and I'm not even sure I'll be killed by this virus or my metamorphosis into some dangerous weirdo. Dean deserves a life. He's been carrying so much pain. He can't fool me. There is this one glimmer of despair in his eyes sometimes. What's he hiding from me?


	32. S2x10: Hunted

I should hate him for that! How could he hide this from me? I thought I could trust him. And now I know he's capable of lying, supposedly for my best interest… or simply because he can't stand the truth. I'm so pissed, because he's all I've got and I need to know I can lean on him. I need him strong by my side. Denying what's to come isn't gonna make it easier. I'll watch his back. Always. He knows. But he also needs to let go of the guilt and weight on his shoulders.

I need you, Dean.


	33. S2x11: Playthings

I need him more than ever. I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of incertitudes. Even if diving to rescue Tyler was a lot smarter than diving in the bottle. I need to know Dean's gonna keep his promise and deal with it when the time comes. No tears will wash away the pain I'm feeling. Killing me may be killing him too. I hate myself for having asked him to do it. I understand Dad now. I understand that I may have been cursed from the beginning. Today I'm certain that I'd prefer to die by Dean's hand.


	34. S2x12: Nightshifter

He should have said " _I_ 'm so screwed"! How the Hell did he end up in the most shitty situation ever, although he only wanted was to save those people from a monster… again? How come he always gets hurt or trapped in the process? Too bad for the gentle lunatic. Now he's gonna be bound to more secrecy for a while.

The savior of people, self-proclaimed unfailing shield of his brother, reckless killer of nasty creatures!...

Now a certified renagade. It isn't that different from what he usually is.

What he fears most is to let his brother alone outside.


	35. S2x13: Houses of the Holy

You never knew I prayed everyday. Especially for you, Dude, so that nothing bad happens to you. Still, I fail to understand why you categorically refuse to believe in angels meanwhile you believe in those devil things we kill all the time. I wish Mom could've told _me_ about the angels watching. When that light flew throug my soul, I prayed to whoever is up there to protect you from harm, to help me stay strong by your side, to find my own salvation, maybe. We never talked about God, you and I. Has the opportunity finally showed up ?


	36. S2x14: Born Under a Bad Sign

Dammit, Sammy! I just can't pull the damn trigger. You know it! That soul-sucker creature inside your head knows it! I won't waste my little brother… I won't allow Jo to get killed either. I need a moment, to borrow some time, to figure out which one deserves to…

My finger starts to feel nervous. A million images rush into my head: lots of blood, two bodies on the floor, and me, standing like a statue, drowning in the middle of this emotional abyss.

My job is to save you, Sammy. Even if that turns me into the next monster.


	37. S2x15: Tall Tales

There's no denying: I love those two idjits! Honestly, I don't know whether I'm the best alternative fatherly image they can get but I really enjoy seeing them fighting sometimes out of their impeded adolescence.

Never expected such a role would be given that tricky turn. But I wouldn't trade it for all the salt reserves in the world. They are the boys I would have chosen, should the wheel of fate have turned differently.

I hope they'll never hesitate to seek refuge in my home… and my heart, when the times come for more dramatic confrontations than this Trickster!


	38. S2x16: Roadkill

Hope's kinda the whole point! Although there may be none for us, I'm convinced we did the right thing for Molly. At least she now gets to rest in peace, after such a long quest for her loved one. We taught her to let go.

Somehow, deep in my heart, I feel like I couldn't let go fo a certain guilt for not taking the time to make peace with Dad when I had the chance. For letting them down. For running away, once. For letting go of who I really wanna be: the compassionate one.

Our mission comes first.


	39. S2x17: Heart

It should never have occurred, not to my little brother. This burden is way too much for his young shoulders, even if he wants to prove he's got the nerve to go through this nightmare.

I should be the one to put an end to this nonsense, so he doesn't need to bear the guilt. I'm used to it. It's my job… sort of.

I wish I could protect him from all the nasty vicissitudes of life, so that at least a tiny remembrance of innocence remains in his heart.

Will he be denied love for the rest of time?


	40. S2x18: Hollywood Babylon

Real life's a bitch all right. And forged nightmares can be just as bad. What do you expect when you mix both?

He played a role for a few days, amused by the idea he could very well dig himself in the role… Just for the fun of it… trying to forget, only for a brief moment, that he'll have to return to real life soon, that the night of fun he had was nothing but a fleeting recreation that won't even survived in his memories.

Life's short. Monsters are real.

And last night was one of those peak performances.


	41. S2x19: Folsom Prison Blues

Your Daddy raised you right. Knowing the sword of Damoclès swinging above your heads, I admire both the nerve and the courage you boys displayed when coming in here and helping me out of this dirty trick. You'll never know, but I've shivered every time the idea of something irreparable happening to you crossed my mind. Your dad would've never forgiven me. Yet I can see that you both deserve the proud title of hunters. You're Winchesters in the full sense of what it implies. I was proud to be your father's friend.

So long and godspeed, young Winchesters boys!


	42. S2x20: What is and What Should Never Be

Goddammit! How am I supposed to chose between what is and what could be?

I am torn between my duty as a hunter and protector of Sammy and… this! A life which I dreamed of, but not necessarily for myself. Chosing one or another means equals sacrifice as far as my own happiness is concerned.

Hey, I ain't the guy destined to raise a family! So I'll just fight this nonsense and wake up to the harsh inevitability of my existence. Out of this fantasy and into my only role in life.

I'd rather die than leave Sammy all alone.


	43. S2x21: All Hell Breaks Loose I

All I can hear is the echo of your supposedly fun remark. All I can feel is the warmth of your body against mine. All I can think of is … I'm gonna miss you.

But I'm ready… somehow. Knowing you're the strongest of us both, yet also fearing you'll seek revenge.

I'm not eager to greet you where I'm going any time soon. You've got a life to live, dude. So go on. And let me be. My whole body's numb now. Just hold me for a little while.

You're allowed one tear.

And you're allowed to move on.


	44. S2x22: All Hell Breaks Loose II

My name is Dean "E" Winchester. And I don't give a f*** about what I've bargained for Sammy's life. I just had to do it. Because I've been doing it all my life. I was raised to be the one nipping my dreams in the bud. I've been trained to compensate for Dad's absence. Right now, all I know is Sammy's alive.

I don't give a damn about being sentenced to hell. Not yet anyway... We'll find a way… or not. Who cares about me? As long as he's OK.

Don't mess with me: my name is Dean "expendable" Winchester.


	45. S3x01: The Magnificent Seven

I'm tired. Tired of attempting to behave to the lost one's expectations. Tired of fearing I couldn't be strong enough to protect the one who came back. Tired of looking at my freaking self in the mirror every morning and trying to put a convinced look on my face. Tired of pretending I did what I did for the sake of the family reunited. Tired of lying to myself. I'm selfish all right. I refused to be the lonesome warrior. I'd rather be the one they'll mourn. After all, I'm steeped in most of the sins we're hunting. No redemption.


	46. S3x02: The Kids are Allright

Down deep inside my heart, there is a longing Dean would stay around. He changed. I can see it in his eyes, like the faded reflection of the man he'll never be. A husband. A father. And yet, although I'll never tell him what I really felt for him, I just can't help leaving my door open to that frail hope he'd make that choice. Did I think of him hard enough while raising my boy by my own, that the kid has adopted so many of the adult's expressions? Where is it written I'll let him go away again?


	47. S3x03: Bad Day at Black Rock

Fun isn't a top-grade word in their vocabulary. Yet they're having the time of their life. Luck. Success. Money. She rightly said it: "We're all going to hell. We might as well enjoy the ride". So what the hell? He feels a bit roguish, even somewhat reckless, until his brother's life is on the line. And even then. Trying his luck, opposing a pen to a gun. They said the pen is mightier than the sword. The proverb has never been truer. One thief. Two hunters. A good luck charm in between. Just this once, the ride wasn't that bad.


	48. S3x04: Sin City

I'm turning into a professional liar, for sure. When I said it'd be kinda liberating, I didn't mean I was happy to be stuck down here, with that luscious creature. Understand me, I haven't got the hots for her. But just admire the womanizer now! Dammit, I thought I would have to wait for months until all hell goes wild on me. It pisses me off right now, 'cause I needed more time to train Sam and teach him to go on without me. He must be searching for a way to liberate me from this mess.

Should he indeed?


	49. S3x05: Bedtime Stories

What the hell does she now? I'll never be tired to get bossed around! The day I won't miss it anymore is the day I'll lose everything that's worth in my life. So look at me now! Summoning that bitch, desperately eager to find a cure to a disease my brother doesn't even wanna get rid of. The time will never come when I can let go… when I can let _him_ go. Ever! And if, in the process, I have to sacrifice a part of me to save him, so be it. What do I have to lose anyway?


	50. S3x06: Red Sky at Morning

Sometimes, I swear I feel like clouting that moron brother of mine! How comes the genetics granted the never-ending worrying role to me and the couldn't-care-less crappy attitude to him! Shame on him for playing the carefree wacko. Shame on me for keeping nosing about in search of a way to save his ass!

Don't ever try to reassure me, dude, telling me I'll be fine when you're gone! I'd rather live with the jerk you love to personify than end up alone, telling myself I could've done something and I haven't.

Don't play martyr either. I don't buy it!


	51. S3x07: Fresh Blood

I heard you, Sammy. I know you're fighting tooth and nail against the inevitable. But you know what? I feel dead inside already, so what's the point? There's nothing anyone can do about it. Simple fact. I've always felt like my unique task was to bring you to this point, when you'll take over the family business on your own. Dad said his role was not to love, but to raise. Something like that. I never felt what I did for you like a burden.

There's one last thing I need to teach you: how to take care of _Baby_.


	52. S3x08: A Very Supernatural Christmas

One look and all's almost said and done. As far as one is concerned at least. Because in the other one's heart, there's only pain and despair. Fear of the void that'll turn up soon. Fear of being unable to cope with it. There won't be anyone left to disappoint, besides himself. And that's what scares him the most, in the end. Accepting fate. Dealing with that crappy misdeal.

He looks at the amulet. The most ordinary object now holds everything which grew between them over the years. Resentment at first. Then resignation. Bond. Trust. Love.

Would it be enough?


	53. S3x09: Malleus Maleficarum

If she can remember what it's like to be human, could I, once I've been cast down the pit? Has my life ever had only one purpose? Teaching my pain-in-the-ass little brother how to fight what's coming? Now that I'm certain Sammy will never find the antidote to the deal I've made, I feel somewhat relieved. Hey, scratch that! Dammit! I never wanted to leave him alone up here in the first place. But the good of the one outways the good of the other in ways I can't possibly imagine.

Will I be granted to watch over him from…


	54. S3x10: Dream a Little Dream of Me

Some clash of reflections! The truth has never sounded so cruel. He finally faces the darkest side of his soul, the one pretending to be strong, the one willing to sacrifice all he is, the one who craved for a father, not a mentor. It hurts to hear he's nothing but a pale copy of John. And it hurts to hear that nothing will save him. So he gives in to the only thing he has left, just this once, knowing it won't change the deal. He finally admits he's scared to hell.

He finally admits he's scared of HELL.


	55. S3x11: Mystery Spot

Has he ever realized that what he feared most has actually made him stronger?

He saw death blow his brother's away so many times, until it was time to face the real thing. He said once, he had to become like Dean to survive it all. He has. He's the cold-blooded slaughterer of monsters, the heartless avenger looking for a purpose to this nonsense? Dean was his Achilles' heal, no denying that. But he'd surrender to evil to bring him back. He wasn't simply ready yet, not even after all these ironically-repeated deaths.

Stronger, but still so fragile without Dean.


	56. S3x12: Jus in Bello

Crap! How are we gonna manage to kill all those sons of b*** if even our good will is turned into a practical joke? I heard and followed Sammy on his quest for humanitarian salvation. I wanted so much to believe we could make a difference, even when busted by one of the finest bloodhounds, and eventually teaming up with him. Not even sure those bags Ruby gave us will be of use.

I'm convicted, no appeal. But I wished we could have at least save those few more before I kick the bucket.

Sh**! I didn't say this, right?


	57. S3x13: Ghostfacers

Two months… That's all he's got left. And look at us, babysitting a bunch of morons playing hunters on quick sand, believing they're on solid ground.

Every day, I'm confident I'll find a way to save Dean.  
Every morning, I pray to find the strength to cope with what's ahead.  
Every night, I fear the worst that's coming for sure.

Today, I'm grateful for a somehow more playful hunt, in company of those bozos. Perhaps this is what Dean needed to keep his mind off the inevitable outcome. Perhaps I needed this more than him.

I shouldn't…

Or should I?


	58. S3x14: Long Distance Call

I may excel in the art of hiding my deepest fears in view of what awaits me, but I'm all checkmated out by my brother genius in terms of minimalist feedback.

I can't think a plain "Hello" would be his reaction if our father was to contact him.

And yet, this "And me" means so much to me. Those two words are tinged with love. I know he's fighting tooth and nail against this curse that's catching up with me.

Acknowledging my fears is my ultimate duty to help him get over the loss.

I beg it won't destroy him.


	59. S3x15: Time is on My Side

Last words are to be chosen carefully.

Given they hold the precious memories which will be treasured in the heart of the wounded one. They're the echo of the silence promise. They keep the Lonely warm in times of despair. "Be careful"… "You too". No need for more.

And sometimes last words remain unspoken, yet they hold another kind of promise. Through the tears, they howl like a wild animal about to rip your hopes apart. They shred truths and lies, just as much.

I wish you safe and well, Sammy.

I guess we'll meet again, Bella. In Hell !


	60. S3x16: No Rest for the Wicked

Tears mixing with blood.

Wounded heartbeat against howling silence.

Desperate shivers refusing the empty stare.

He cradles his brother, as if to reassure him one last time, rejects the inescapable end of their bond, promises himself to fight Hell if necessary and bring him back. He bursts out sobbing, chants his big brother's name, again and again, as if he wants Dean to carry his voice within… to guide him to life again… knowing he can't answer.

He lovingly strokes the last tear away from his brother's cheek and brings it to his lips… sealing the silent pledge he makes.


	61. S4x01: Lazarus Rising

What happened to Hell? Why am I suddenly able to breathe without feeling molten terror flowing through my tattered soul? Why are the red-hot lights gone all of a sudden? Why can't I hear the imploring screams anymore?

And what is this determined gripping sensation, like I'm some new-born brutally dipped and retrieved from the Styx?

I'm being pulled up the point I understand I must dig my way up outa here! Up to what? To where?

Would I be given a second…?

No Chance!

This can't be!

I only want to know if Sammy's OK.

Why…

Am…

I…

Alive?


	62. S4x02: Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean

Too much right now.

Too much at once.

Angels? God? Lucifer? And then what? Klingons maybe? He's as lost as a grain of sand in the Gobi desert. Why should he respect _that_ who claimed to have save him from perdition? Why has it been easier to believe in monsters then in salvation?

Besides, he seems to be on parole. Has he swapped one hell for another? He looks into the eyes of the angel and discerns something more than orders and obedience.

On occasions, he wishes his heart would be solid iron, completely coated in love, 100 percent despair-proof.


	63. S4x03: In the Beginning

Talk about legacy!

I always thought I inherited my hunter's skills from my father, while it was Mom, all along, who started it all. I thought Dad was the one to make the ultimate sacrifice, before I made the same mistake. I was so wrong. Mom showed me. She paved the way for us and made the first fricking deal which our family reiterates over and over again.

Don't be mistaken. I'm proud to be a fuc**** Winchester! It's just that our name seems to dip into curses and hellish twists of fate.

What was that trip really about then?


	64. S4x04: Metamorphosis

For the first time, Dean sees in his brother's eyes a much darker shadow that the one he wraps himself into when he's hunting. He wonders how he failed to notice the fear Sammy seems to breed down deep inside, as he turns into _some new level of freak_.

But then again, what is HE? The new Lazarus? An abomination? He knows they're playing with matches. For now, they seem to master the game. Dean feels strong enough to protect his little brother, even from that demon right on Sammy's tail like a pilot fish.

Angel… demon… Winchesters in between…


	65. S4x05: Monster Movie

Life should… or could be like in the movies. You know, the hero saves the damsel in distress in the nick of time, they share a passionate kiss, make all sorts of stupid promises, ride towards a glorious sunset and live happily ever after.

Hold it! Scratch that crap! This time, the damsel killed the bad guy, thus saving the restless hero, ridiculously tied up on a torture table.

When did it ever happen Dean wasn't awarded the title of Cute-Chicks savior? There's at least one constant in the universe: the passionate kiss.

Too bad for the words: THE END.


	66. S4x06: Yellow Fever

Dude, I prefer when you're acting like a jerk, I swear to God.

Seeing you running like a wimp, scared by the slightest suspicious rustle? No, man, this isn't you, definitely.

I prefer to be bullied than to put on the Dean Winchester's suit myself and drag the brat you became.

Besides the awkward aspect of this metamorphosis, there's something more important that scares me: the look in your eyes when hallucinations force their way through your soul.

What have you seen? What are you hiding from me… again? Please come back to me, Dean, even as untameable as before.


	67. S4x07: It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam W

I'm sure he knows. But how can I tell him what it was like down there? How could I confess the horrors, the nightmares sticking behind my eyelids each time I try to give my soul a rest? I wish I could trust that feathery one completely. When he said he's a soldier, I just can't help realizing we are too, of a different kind. If we are to fight side by side, we'll need to draw a cercle of trust somewhere. I guess I should start with Sammy, right?

I just can't confess this kind of nightmare just now.


	68. S4x08: Wishful Thinking

Great power… great responsibility. Forget it!

What if we could actually wish a different path and guarantee the ones we saved over the years wouldn't pay for a twist in our existence? What if I could erase certain images from my memories? I'd still feel it in my bones, anyway. So what's the point?

I won't talk about it… too soon.

But I know I'll have to let it out at some point, even if what I've done is carved in blood and suffering in my shattered soul. Sharing it won't blow away the guilt.

Be patient with me, Sammy.


	69. S4x09: I Know What You Did Last Summer

Weird teams, there's no denying that! Angel/Dean vs Demon/Sam. Both humans inextricably saved by supernatural beings and irreparably bound to a weird destiny. Learning the new meaning of trust. Drinking recommendations like it's saving energy coming from another dimension. Forced to admit what they've been hunting could turn into allies. Cautious to realize the good ones might in fact be far more dangerous than anticipated.

So in the end, who can they trust but themselves?

Yet this means they should let out the dark hidden secrets, once and for all.

One just did.

Can the other do just as good?


	70. S4x10: Heaven and Hell

Tears undermine what's left of his soul, flowing in his veins along with the echoes of the screaming – his own and the ones he hounded for ages. Slicing… carving… tearing apart… longing to die… yet refusing to let go because one above was counting on him, perhaps searching for a reversal… ashamed at the idea he'd had to face Sam again and tell the truth… wondering whether the words would finally pass his lips… and feeling so distraught now he's uttered them… hoping for forgiveness… sure enough redemption will never come.

The scars remain, in and out, burning, indelible, stigmatizing.


	71. S4x11: Family Remains

How can I live with this in me, all the pain, the one I've been through, the one I inflicted? The pleasure I drew from it, even? I'm a monster, with a hole in my heart as deep as hell. And not even my brother can fill it, despite all his love and attention.

Yes, Sammy and I are together, and yes, we're the opposite of OK. When I wake up, the first thing on my mind is: what am I gonna encounter today that might put an end to this awaken nightmare?

I look at Sam.

I must prevail.


	72. S4x12: Criss Angel Is a Douchebag

A man died because his brother did the right thing.

Once upon a time, one made a reverse deal.

Where does the difference lie? Either way, life sucks. The final deal remains the same: negotiation with demons. For bad or worse. Wouldn't it actually be better to die young, trying to act for a little good, than to swallow so many years and end up like the broken reflection of a pathetic one?

One of them somehow wishes to die in battle soon. The other one runs fiercefully towards a darker horizon.

Which one will reach his ultimate hell first?


	73. S4x13: After School Special

I don't regret anything, nor the brilliant career I missed,

nor the sacrifices I'm ready to go through for him.

It's a shame he never had the chance to build a life of his own,

instead of attempting to look up to Dad the way he did.

…

…

I'd give anything to ensure his safety and survival,

despite the fact our family background sucks, somehow.

He should be proud of who he is today and what he's accomplished so far.

I just can't help but look up to him,

and the fact he's taller really has nothing to do with it.


	74. S4x14: Sex and Violence

His heart sunk the moment he realized what had been spit out with genuine scorn, the blows that had been punched, the hidden truths that had escaped their backbiting mouths. He wished he could take it all back, fearing they may have unravelled their precious bond for good. He felt the burning poison in his soul, eating away the last trace of confidence, but he wouldn't show. On the contrary, he claimed with fierce nerve that they're good. Were they? Would they ever be again?

Maybe a little truth was hiding in there somewhere, but he can't admit it's forever.


	75. S4x15: Death Takes a Holiday

Dammit! When did the world start to go wrong? I've been hunting all my life, killing nasty sons of bitches, saving some good people along the way, protecting the little something left of our family. I wasn't drilled to terminate the life of honest ones. If I had remained on the other side of the mirror, I wouldn't have to take that bloody decision right now. Sam the Just claims it must be done. I don't concur. There must be some way we can maneuver the track of events to stop this nonsense. Hell isn't down there. It's right here!


	76. S4x16: On the Head of a Pin

Don't call me Righteous! If I hear about my great mission again, I'll start punching faces, I swear. The angel by my side tells me what great purpose I must serve. Cut the crap! Look at me, barely able to stand on my feet, unable to hold back the tears, feeling so crushed down deep inside that I wonder how my heart is still beating. I don't wanna shoulder THAT! I'm fed up pouring any more guilt into my soul, my plate is full, can't you see? How can a tiny one like me fight this big battle of yours?


	77. S4x17: It's a Terrible Life

In those few minutes of intense fighting, a special connection emerged. They don't know why or how, but it's there all right. That little something that tells them they are better as a team, although they come from different backgrounds. One look, a subtle wink… and their coordination arises from unspoken words, as if they had done this all their life. They wondered, they feared, they fought. Together. Could have been a killer rush. But it called for them, from an undefinable trance which carried them high tonight. It ain't such a terrible life after all. What's the next step?


	78. S4x18:The Monster the End of This Book

I've believed in monsters since I was just a little kid. I've come across all sorts of them. Bad, nasty creatures. I've been taught all the ways to exterminate them. I'm good at this.

Then I had to comply to the idea that angels are for real. And that above it all, there may be a … God?

I've been driven to extremes: praying! Hey, it's me, Dean Winchester, the ultimate non-believer.

Don't you dare telling me now that all this may be nothing but a bad scenario and we're just standing as extras!

I need our lives to matter.


	79. S4x19: Jump the Shark

I feel lonelier than ever! If it weren't for Sammy, I'd really feel like a black sheep, hardly worthy of care and attention. Our family's always been cursed all right. But I'd never have imagined I'd feel such a sharp pain deep inside my soul, knowing that Dad cared for that hidden offspring all these years, displaying – even scarcely but deliberately –the love I'd been carving for so long. He raised me like a warrior, ready to cope with the tough future ahead.

Maybe he wanted to protect Adam from this kind of battle.

Still… it hurts.


	80. S4x20: The Rapture

Somewhere in the Book of Life, it shall be written Emptiness will affect the human and the angel alike. Whereas the human carves for the bloody booster he's addicted to, the angel perhaps longs for the vessel he felt safe in at times. The frontier between sanity and infernal commitment is so thin that neither of them is willing to sacrifice anyone else than themselves.

They will take their alloted place in the grand Canvas of what hasn't been written yet.

Yet the boundary between good and evil remains thin and sharp as a nasty word.

Withdrawal and rage, borderline.


	81. S4x21: When the Leeve Breaks

That's something I gotta do on my own.

Alone.

Well, actually, not really. There're a few in there who shout their resentment or cry in desperation or even encourage me to let you go, once and for all.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

I've listened to them all, finally grasping they're all ME. I hate myself for becoming _this_ , and I'll hate myself for ever for leaving you, battered, desperate, because you know today is the day you're losing me for good.

Alastair… Sammy boy… Mom… Dean… I've heard you... I've listened... Carefully!

Madness lost.

I'll win.

Or die.


	82. S4x22: Lucifer Rising

Killing that bitch myself was more than I could've hoped for. I'm grateful you had a last burst of sanity that made you understand the dangerous road you've been riding lately. Drawing her blood instead of beating the nonsense out of you was only the first step towards the rebuilding of our bond… I hope.

Dad wasn't a coward. He did the best he could.

So do I.

Our choices have never been easy.

Sincere apologies either.

Yet, they're what maintains the family bond intact: or so I hope.

Should I cherish this last precious treasure between Sammy and me?


	83. S5x01: Sympathy for the Devil

Too much… Too fast…

What is it with our family?

Sammy becoming the receptacle of demonic powers.

Me entrusted with a possible salvation mission.

A fricking angel branding us like submissive cattle.

To Hell with all that shit! I ain't far from being pure as the driven snow. But all I can feel now is that I've lost faith in my little brother. Apologies are far from enough to help me regain that.

OK, I can see in his eyes that he's at a lost, out of his depth, filled with remorse for what he did.

I can't let go.


	84. S5x02: Good God, Y

_**Hi Everyone,**_  
 _ **Going to the sea border for a few days... not sure I'll be able to post from there... so I'll treat you with more than usual. Enjoy and thanks to each and everyone of you for the visits and reviews.**_  
 _ **Love and hugs,**_  
 _ **Lyxie**_

* * *

I got departed from one of the most sacred objects of mine: the amulet.

I'm inclined to let Sam have my beloved Baby.

All I've got left is the right – or the impulsive need – to call him _Sammy_. So that he knows he's still my brother, the only one in the world who matters to me, even if I need to push him away right now.

I hate to see each other going our separate ways.

I wish he would tell me he's weaned, but he's not.

My addiction to frantic hunts isn't commendable either.

What's worse, in the end?


	85. S5x03: Free to be You and Me

He doesn't give a rat's ass about the end of the world. He doesn't care about that fricking angel flying in and out, unannounced. He could even spend the last night on Earth without getting laid. To Hell with all that crap! He only stares ahead, seeing nothing but the dark horizon lazily stretching in front of his beloved Impala. He listens to the purring sound of the engine as Baby hungrily swallows the miles to the next hunt. He sighs at the silent echo of his gloomy thoughts.

What hurts him most is the empty seat next to him.


	86. S5x04: The End

I'm begging.

For once, I wish I could be persuasive enough to beate it in his stubborn head that it's the right choice. I wish he'd listen and take a different path.

But I'm nothing but a cruel, merciless, ruthless warrior. Nothing will stand in my way, until I reach the finishing line, at the end of all things. Because I don't doubt that the day I'll kill the supreme monster is the day I'll die as well. I don't care anymore.

I need to persuade _him_ to travel a different road. I need to convince _myself_.

For Sam's sake.


	87. S5x05: Fallen Idols

He felt the words cutting through his soul like a blade.

Dean opened the door and let him back in. He didn't necessarily opened his heart. Overhearing him tell Bobby what he won't spill face to face is almost more than he can take. But he won't leave. Not again. He'll do his best to make it up to his brother, gaining his trust again, standing by his side in good times and in bad, fighting in unison, make amends, push his darkest thoughts in the background and …

And praying that it will suffice to be a trustworthy brother again.


	88. S5x06: I Believe the Children Are---

It's like looking in a mirror and taking a leap into the past. Two freaks standing in the same room. One is afraid of what he could become. The other has already taken the plunge. What difference does it make? They are both beyond normal. They both suffer from the sideways glance of their loved ones. And all of a sudden, no more lies, just the implacable truth that they'll always be from a special breed. The tall one remembers how his brother tried to protect him from…

Maybe it's not too late for Jesse. Maybe they saved this one…


	89. SPN5x07: The Curious Case of Dean W

Balls! He's one of a kind. Stubborn. Reckless. And yet so … shall I say "adorable"? I felt like my existence was reduced to the creaking sound of my chair wheels. And here he comes, rushing like a wild horse, willing to trade his years for mine, experiencing what I've kept to myself: the chronical pains, the slow-going decrepitude of a useless body, the degeneration of a tormented mind, the panic to know your loved ones will stay behind all alone, the regret you won't be there to see those two idjits long enough to…

Dammit, I love you, Son!


	90. SPN5x08: Changing Channels

This would be the most hilarious time of their lives if they weren't the helpless toys of that trickster, again. Posing as comedians in a distorted universe. _This_ is fiction. They should get back to real life, even if the script assigned to them is anything but fun. For a tiny fraction of a second, Dean imagined he could leave all the pain, sacrifice and torture behind, stay here with Sam, enjoy more than he can swallow. The apocalypse is way too dreadful a destiny. What if denying what they truly are was enough to save them from the worse?


	91. SPN5x09: The Real Ghostbusters

I'm relieved to get outa here. Even if Barnes and Damien turned out all right for amateurs, this isn't my idea of a relaxing moment. I can't figure how enjoyable it can be to play … how did they call that again? Larp? Lame Actors Ridiculous Posing? Sorry, I couldn't help it! Let alone posing as… us! I still fail to grasp how our way of living turned out to be so attractive. I can' see where we're heading at, except a big bad chasm, which will gobble us up and those happy innocents.

Let Alone Resting in Peace.

Awesome!

 _ **PS: pls be sure I don't regard Larping as a ridiculous hobby. Actually, I've always claimed I'd be attending a TNG convention as K'Ehleyr if the occasion shows up! I so love the character!**_


	92. SPN5x10: Abandon All Hope…

You'll never know what I really felt. Not only because of my self-respect, but a bit because of that immoderate pride of mine. Our "last night on Earth" will never happen. But I feel reassured to be in your arms now, though so sorry to feel my blood pour on you, satisfied with the lightning decision I took when I rushed ahead to kill that hell hound and save your butt, sorry I won't have the time to tell you… You're a brave one, Dean Winchester.

A split second. That's all it took me to understand you meant more than…


	93. SPN5x11: Sam, Interrupted

What if this is the solution? What if I stay here and lose it for good? I'm standing – or rather wandering like a wasted one – in this shifting universe, unable to focus on one specific place to go, at a lost, delirious. Although it gives me the creeps as the tiny spot still lucid in my brains tells me I must fight this, I'm almost prepared to sail off in that numb reassuring sensation of loss of control.

What if I let go, for real, let myself drown in total obliteration?

No more Apocalypse.

No more Hell.

No more me.


	94. SPN5x12: Swap Meat

Kids! They should have stayed put and play it as all their friends do. They shouldn't have embarked on a terrible one-way journey. They never had parents like ours, certified members of a special race: the hunters!

Lies! Flowing through my lips like a reassuring balm. I'm not taken in by my own crap. Life can be sweet to them, not to us. Ever.

I've been told certain truths, for my own safety. And lots of lies, for the same reason. How do you expect such a kid to grow up in a balanced adult?

I'm me.

Deal with it!


	95. SPN5x13: The Song Remains the Same

I'm not comatose, Dean! Although my vessel seems somewhat out of order for the time being, somehow I can feel you, hear your thoughts, sense your resentment. And if I could talk right now, I would repeat, in case it wasn't clear the first time, that I will never allow Sam to get hurt. He is my friend. And it's my intrinsic duty to care for him. As for you… well… the concept is a bit more arduous to express. I guess the bond between us is beyond simple enouncing. I'll watch over you both… the very best I can.


	96. SPN5x14: My Bloody Valentine

How many times did I see the fear on Sam's face, fear of reaching some new level of freak? How many times did I take it upon myself to carry on regardless of the little truth hiding in his veins? He's my pain-in-the-ass little brother, for ever and nothing will make me sacrifice his life to anything. But I feel something's missing, down deep inside, there, around my heart, something eating me, killing me softly, denying me the very disease that's devouring everyone around me. And it scares me a bit. What if I'm actually suffering from something even worse?


	97. SPN5x15: Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

I swear I don't wanna have to chose between them and … her. I'm aware this is a nasty illusion but perhaps we've been granted a little bit of catching up here. And forgiveness perhaps. I know who my family is. I know where the blood ties are. Yet, I wallow in these moments of happiness, knowing they won't last. They can't last. Nothing final about that. Balls! I wish Death had some kinda plan that would make this permanent. I need to savor it some more. The boys will certainly waltz in shortly, telling me how wrong this is.


	98. SPN5x16: Dark Side of the Moon

A compfy house, a loving family, a giddy dog. These are the obvious symptoms! That you've always wanted what I will never long for: a normal man's routine. I can hardly utter that word and imagine something like that would happen to me. What mattered to me back then was to put a genuine smile on Mom's face, devour the delicacies she'd make for me and play the bloddy comforting figure when Dad was up hill and down dale! Shit! My Heaven isn't as cute as yours, Sammy. But I wouldn't trade it, coz you deserve it more than me.


	99. SPN5x17: 99 Problems

One tear… And it's not mine. I feel the warmth of her hair softly brushing against my jaw as I breathe her fragrance one last time. These few seconds weigh a lot, as I'm asking myself whether I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I wonder if I could be the man Sammy aspires to be: a husband, a father. Or just an unhealthy draft in Lisa and Ben's lives. I'll miss the trust, the patience and Ben looking up at me and… Dammit! Will I always be denied a tiny little piece of heaven on this freaking earth?


	100. SPN5x18: Point of No Return

I can't do anything but stand there, facing him, and feel the blade he holds in the hand cut through my chest. Of course, there's no blade but the words he said to me cut just as deep. He doesn't believe in me! I never thought I'd feel like jumping without the safety net of his love and trust.

If I lose my big brother's care, what's left for me?

If what's left of our family is blown to the winds, how can we go on fighting the demons?

If I lose Dean, how can I ever go on living?


	101. SPN5x19: Hammer of the Gods

I had so much fun with them. And today is no exception. Maybe I'll make it through the night and be able to enjoy myself at their expense… provided the confrontation with my brother turns out fine… which I doubt, in the recesses of my twisted mind. I can see the hope, expectation, begging in their eyes. And at moments, I wish I could be like them and not carry the burden of my winged legacy.

Talk about mythical pagan creatures. For now, I feel like poor Icarus, about to burn down, out, up.

Whatever! The humans have to live.


	102. SPN5x20: The Devil You Know

Once upon a time, there was a little boy, sweet and gentle, who believed that life would treat his family nice and smooth. But Hell got in the way and over the years destroyed all his hopes, one by one. Until there was nothing left in his heart but the faint hope to rescue his brother and maybe a few million other humans by setting a trap to the Devil himself.

Once upon a time, there were lies entwined with love, hope twisted by hate, curse tainted with redemption, angels resigning on account of commitment.

Once upon a desperate time…


	103. SPN5x21: Minutes to Midnight

The ultimate sacrifice… knowing he won't come back.

The ultimate prayer… recognizing he never believed.

The ultimate compliment… relieved his trust in them was well-founded.

The ultimate pride… looking at his adoptive boys fight with honor.

The ultimate gift… some leg up, maybe not the last one, to these humans he once despised.

The ultimate warning… No one should cheat with Death itself.

The ultimate rain perhaps... to wash away the slime and despair.

The ultimate blood… to boost the ultimate warrior.

The ultimate vessel… who never understood how it ever started.

The ultimate loss… your brother or your fight?


	104. SPN5x22: Swan Song

_**Hi Everyone,**_

 _ **Here we are, end of Season 5, which originally seemed like an end to all things to me. Could have been, actually.**_  
 _ **So I'll end here, feeling a sense of completion. The next seasons were, in my humble POV, an extra treat to please the fans, the cast and crew who enjoy themselves so much shooting it.  
**_ _ **Besides, I'm leaving for Canada in a couple of days, so I won't have much opportunity to write as regularly as usual, as my agenda is pretty full.**_  
 _ **I promise, soon after my return in September, I'll start posting my new SPN fic "The Howling One". I dream of seeing you around again then.**_

 _ **Thanks so much to all of you who visisted these little drabbles, and especially to the precious ones who left reviews. I hope you had as much pleasure reading them as I had writing them.**_  
 _ **Love to all,**_  
 _ **Lyxie**_

* * *

.

All I ever wanted for you is a normal pie life. I know now it's not gonna happen.

That's why I'm gonna haunt your life for a short while, until I'm convinced you finally let go… of hunting monsters, of caring for strangers… of me!

Yet I have a feeling the last memories that crossed my tortured soul are the Ariane's thread which will keep me sane: little soldiers stuck in the corner of my mind, rare precious smiles on your face, even the echo of that beloved music of yours!

Am I ready?

Hell is actually leaving **_you_** behind.

.

*/*/*

.

I'd take more hits and have my face beyong repair if it meant I could reach him and bring him back and…

Shit! This isn't happening! It can't be! I need him more than he'll ever need me.

I'm just waiting for the next blow, hoping it'll crack the burning wall inside his soul and set him free.

I don't give a damn about a normal pie life if he ain't in it. That's my little **_brother_** we're talking about, remember?

So how do I care if I'm gonna turn up my toes today!

If he's gone, what the hell!

.

*/*/*

.

The moment I opened that door, I knew it was only temporary.

This **_Life_** of ours is sweet and precious, but it's not what he's meant for.

He's a hunter. A … may I say it?... a killer.

For the good cause.

But I'm being realistic here.

We are a sweet interlude, I confess, in his murky life. Some semblance of a happy family… an ersatz at best.

Yet I'll give all I can to treat him like the husband he'll never be to me, like the father he's doing his best to become for my son.

That beer is ready.

.

*/*/*

.

How come I'm so proud of them, as if they were my own boys? Oh wait, actually, they _are_ … sort of.

Holy me! I've watched – or rather pushed – them rush into more adventures than I can imagine… and I do have a vivid imagination.

They fought against everything listed in the Great Book of Life: good, bad, creatures with wings or invisible horns and tails, they refused to bow next to nothing, figuring out they were in control of their free will. Were they?

They manage to teach me one thing though: **_Family_** is the most precious gift of all.

.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

 _ **~ AKF ~**_


End file.
